just a glimpse of my heart

This is a post that I have been sitting on for a few weeks. I didn’t want to overload with topics from The Hillsong Conference, but I have to share this one. You never know when one concept or thought can be life changing for someone. This was the first time that I had ever heard Judah Smith. My husband is a huge fan…read the books and even met him at general council one year. All it took was hearing one message from him and I completely got it. I totally understood why my husband was such a fan; this guy is great.

One of the messages that he shared in New York was all about your soul. He talked about how Genesis gives us the origin of the human soul. “Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” (Genesis 2:7) He went on to explain that the Hebrews believed that anytime you spoke of your soul, that you were at the same time speaking about the breath of God. We, as humans, possess the breath of God. It is what gives us life. It is what gives us meaning. There is such a beauty about that concept that we tend to not even realize or think about. We get caught up in our own life and our own to do list. We forget about the majesty of God that is all around us everyday. We certainly tend to forget that every single inhale/exhale of our body is breath that God breathed into us. God breathed life into man and so the very breath that we are breathing is borrowed from God.

Psalm 103:1- “Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name!”

He also talked about how the term bless in Hebrew means to gratefully praise in adoration. Living a life of praise is living in grateful adoration- not just presenting a list of wants and needs like people tend to do during their prayer time. Living this way is a lifestyle. You can’t just bless God with your lips or words. You have to bless God with all of you- your time and your finances and your talents. Sometimes you have to choose praise even when you may not feel like it.

Not all of life is pleasant. In fact, sometimes life can be quite treacherous. It can be overwhelming and stressful. It is not always easy to choose to praise God through times like that. Sometimes when you are in the midst of a hard time and it seems to be taking every ounce of energy out of you just to survive. There are times when you can’t even think about tomorrow, because you are literally taking life moment by moment. These are the times when you have to actively and purposely choose to praise God. He is always worthy regardless. We just tend to get caught up in our own junk. It can seem like it took all that you had to offer just to make it to church.

Now what? I’m expected to lift my hands and sing these songs. I just can’t. I feel so weighed down. I’ve been there. It’s not easy.

When you feel that way….and are burdened down….like the walls are caving in…. just take a deep breath. remember as you exhale that your very breath is borrowed from God. God loves you dearly and longs for a relationship with you. Use your borrowed breath to give him praise and see how quickly your situation will change. Sometimes the circumstances themselves do not change, but sometimes it is us that does the changing. Peace can replace stress. Purpose can replace confusion. Love can replace bitterness.

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~Romans 8:37-39

I LOVE youth ministry. LOVE those teenagers and everything that comes with them…. 3AM texts, late night pizza, inside jokes, silly traditions, hash tags galore, funny nicknames, gross challenges, food fights… I just love these guys. I will take 4 vans full of youth students over nursery duty or preschool kids any day of the week. My heart beats with a passion for this generation. They are such a major part of our lives and have been for many years. My kids look up to them and think they are cool and that makes me proud.
Having been involved as youth leaders and now youth pastors for a dozen years now, we have had lots of excitement. This is truly a ministry that will keep you smiling. I would never deny that we have so much fun living out the calling that God has on our lives. These students keep us goofy…some would argue that we don’t need much help, but we will blame it on the teenagers.
We had one of those fun-goofy-crazy-memories-were-made nights last night. See, we challenged our youth to raise money for missions. If the guys won, they would have had the privilege of pouring slime on the girls. However, the girls won…which means that we got to throws pies in their faces. It was AMAZING. I claimed the first pie for my dear husband and then told the girls that they could go for it.

Reasons being involved with youth ministry is the BEST THING EVER-
1) Hellooooo….they keep you young 🙂
2) We get to go to awesome events like concerts, festivals, amusement parks, and bowling
3) automatic excuse to eat a lot of pizza
4) there is also a lot of getting messy- a lot
5) we get to love teenagers no matter what – drama will come, they are teenagers- be consistent in their life and they will know that they can count on you
6)video games is an acceptable way of relationship building
7) they will probably try any idea you come up with- no matter how extreme- at least once
8) there are always many, many uses for everyday items like cool whip or alka-seltzer tablets or coke/mentos
9) they will never ask you to turn the music down

Obviously, these are just some fun reasons. There is so much more to it that this, but that is another post for another day. It is my great joy and honor to love on…get messy with…blast music… and pour into the lives of these amazing students.
#fuelfamily

This is the summary of a story that I read in Dannah Gresh’s book “Five Little Questions That Reveal the Life God Designed For You”. Since I have been involved in youth ministry all these years, this story was all too familiar. We have seen this time and time again and it still breaks my heart and infuriates me all at the same time. We all have been and can be judgmental at times, but here is something to think about next time you hear that voice in your head. It is definitely worth sharing…… and just as a side note, this story appears in the chapter titled “Five Fears That Stake us to Mediocre Lives”. Here is the story-

I wonder how much glory we steal when we gag believers from showing the rough spots and wounds God has healed. Just last night after a basketball game, the principal/founder of a Christian high school met a woman who was a glory stealer. The guys had just blown away the competition when the coach called the principal aside.
“This woman wants to speak to you about Billy,” he said.
The principal smiled. Billy is a new student. He came to the school covered in tattoos and wearing black leather. He also came to us searching for God and, just after a few days, found Him. We took him to a youth event where the truth of Jesus, sin , heaven, and hell are presented to the students. Billy said that he could not wait for that short talk to end. He knew that he needed to respond to it. When it was over and we asked if anyone wanted to follow Christ publicly for the first time to please stand, Billy shot up like a rocket.
The teenage boy is not the same. His mental inquiries about the faith keep me grabbing for my Bible. His unashamed testimony challenges me to be vocal. His new, peaceful countenance calls me to praise God. He is glorifying God. It’s some story! It is easy to revel in God’s glory. Now back to the glory stealer…
“I was just asking about that boy’s tattoos,” the woman said.
“What about them?” asked the principal.
“Well, they should be covered up,” she stated emphatically.
“Hmmmmmm. Well, I don’t know if you know Billy’s story, but….” the principal began.
“Yeah, the coach told me that he’s new and he just got saved,” she interrupted. She would go on to use the term “got saved” many times promising that she really was happy about it, but……
“It’s a bad testimony”
“Someone else might have a problem with it”
“It could lead others to follow his example”
“I’m not discounting that he got saved or anything. It’s just that his tattoos should be covered,” she said.
“During a basketball game?” asked the principal. “When the rest of the team is wearing jerseys, you think he should wear something else?”
“yes,” she said. “I mean, it’s great that he got saved and everything, but….”
She couldn’t see it. Couldn’t see the brilliance of Billy’s face. She was missing the very beauty of this boy’s rescue story. She was attempting to steal God’s glory.
She walked off with her feathers ruffled.
I wonder how many kids in the goth lifestyle Billy will witness to because he is approachable to them? I wonder how many times those tattoos will open up conversations that lead to Christ? Billy’s past, tattoos and all, can be the very place God uses to bring Himself glory.
The woman’s shame comes in her attempt to hide and cover Billy’s past, gagging him from sharing his unique rescue story.
She’s a glory stealer.
Don’t let glory stealers gag you from sharing your rescue story. And don’t let fear gag you either.

Like I said in my previous post, I am going to be sharing some thoughts that blessed me from the hillsong conference that we just came back from. I am not trying to take any credit for this content. I know that as pastors, we were sent to this conference to be poured into and inspired and blessed. We totally and absolutely were. I want to pass the thoughts and concepts on….to bless and inspire and encourage you.
Our very first night, the message was given by Brian Houston and it was a great word! His message focused on Hebrews 11:33-34. We all know that Hebrews 11 is known as the “Faith Chapter”.

The Verses read-
“who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies.”

Of course, in his message he used each of these parts as a point. Two of them really stuck out to me, and I want to share those with you. It can change the way you think about things. A change in perspective can really change your entire life!

The part of the scripture that says “and escaped the edge of the sword” was my first perspective changing thought. How many of us would just read right over these verses and not even take time to really think about the meaning? I mean, I am guilty. You read your Bible and at times it can seem familiar and so you kind of zoom through it and don’t think about the weight of the words you are reading. Anyone can open the Bible and turn to example after example of God’s people winning battles and overcoming their enemies. This verse just words it a little different. it doesn’t say that they won the battle or even escaped the sword…it says they escaped the edge of the sword. To escape the edge of the sword means that you have barely made it out alive. The thought that this was the end had to have crossed your mind. Escaping the edge of the sword means that defying all odds, you made it out. I have never personally been in a ‘dangerous’ situation per say. We have been in a couple of car accidents over the years (not our fault…just to clarify), and you tend to have that thought that ‘things could’ve been so much worse’. My husband was held at gunpoint in a robbery once. The affects of a situation like that go far beyond physical safety and overcoming that can be a process. I have, however, made poor financial decisions before that left me feeling like I was at the end- like my life would never be the same and that the ripple of my choices would haunt me for years to come. There is a sense of desperation and hopelessness in any of those situations. But once you are on the other side, once you are living life after…. you tend to have a different point of view. The walls may have been closing in on you then, but God can and will walk with you through anything and everything if you put your faith in Him. You might find yourself in a situation where you feel like you are facing the edge of the sword, but there is hope and life after. Don’t give up.

The second life changing point for me was the “shut the mouths of lions” line, and this was my favorite. This stuck out to me so much, because I have read this next verse and heard it quoted in sermons probably thousands of times. I have NEVER looked at it like this. What a difference one word can make! We have to give the Word of God the respect that it deserves and give each word the weight and recognition necessary. Shame on me for skimming through! These are precious words from God Himself that we are supposed to use and apply to our lives on earth. This is not just something to mark off our daily to-do list.

Anyway…back to the lions…

1 Peter 5:8 – “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

The Bible does not teach us how or tell us to flee from the devil. Some people spend way too much time running from the devil. The Bible clearly tells us to draw near to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you (James 4:7). The verse above from 1 Peter tells us that the devil is seeking whom he may devour — we need to be bold in our walk with Christ and tell the devil that HE MAY NOT devour me and HE MAY NOT have my family. HE MAY NOT define how my story plays out. Attacks will come, but draw near to God and resist the devil. No need to play those games. People spend too much time playing games. I don’t have time for that- I have a calling, a job to do, children to raise- I will choose to walk in God’s will for my life instead of getting all of course because I’m too busy fleeing the one that should be fleeing from me.

Be confident in who you are in Christ. That will get you through anything!

It’s Monday. Monday carries such a “feeling” with it, doesn’t it? Some people view it as a fresh start….a new week. Others view it as the starting point of another dreadful week that is interrupting their fun-filled weekend. This particular Monday, things are good for me. I have declared this a day off of homeschool so that we can get organized and do the many loads of laundry that await me from our time out of town. We are chilling out and getting things done at the same time. We are getting ourselves organized for a very productive rest of the week. I also wanted to make sure that I had some time in the next few days before I head back to work to blog.

Otis and I just came home last night from a glorious five days in New York City! We were so blessed with this opportunity by our church to take this trip and attend The Hillsong Conference. It was such an amazing time! There are not enough words to even describe the worship- the energy and authenticity was so evident- every single time. The speakers and sessions were full of great content that I intend to apply to my life. And hello…did I mention that the conference was in NYC!?!? It was Otis’ first time and only my second visiting New York, and it was the first time that we had been off without our kids in, well possibly since we had kids. We were there for a conference, but packed in as much sight seeing as possible. We even purposefully made time for afternoon naps and downtime for rest. I can’t imagine the trip being any better than it was ( not counting a little flight mix up on our way home that made for a stressful couple of hours).

It is easy to look at my FB or IG feed and see my check-ins, pictures, and videos. You can tell that we had the trip of a lifetime. We made so many memories and had such a great time. Although, it’s not as easy to measure the impact that a trip like this has on a person’s heart. Let there be no doubt, this trip had an impact on my heart. In fact, I know that God was even working on some things in me before we ever even landed in the city or stepped foot into Madison Square Garden for the conference.

Let me just tell you what I mean…. I buy 99% of our books on amazon. If I hear about a book or see a book that I am interested in, I immediately search for it on amazon and will usually either buy it right then or add it to my cart. I have been trying lately to pass books on once I have read them. However, I do have a few favorite that I have kept…along with a stack that I have not read yet on my nightstand. Hours of lists, laundry, preparation, and packing occurred the day before we left for this trip. At the very last minute, I ran into our room and scanned the stack of books to decide which one that I should grab to take with me. The book that I grabbed without even giving it a second thought, spoke straight to me….I was in tears while we were still in flight. God knows your struggles and the things that you might be struggling with within yourself. Even if you haven’t told anyone else about your thoughts, God can speak to you through a book that you think you grabbed at the last second that will just help you pass the time.

This shows me that God was lining up the details and working in me before I was even expecting it.

My hope is to write a few posts over the next couple of days to share some of my God moments and blessings.

Why is it so hard to take a step out? Sometimes, it is SO easy to just stay right where we are!

During our worship service in youth, we all go up front. We worship in the altar. It is not forced. It’s just what we do. We step out and come before God to spend a few minutes in worship to Him.

During service in the main sanctuary on Sunday mornings, we do not go up front. Well, we do not ALL go up front. The invitation is there. Usually, a handful of people come forward. I don’t move. Sometimes I think about it. I wonder if it will make a difference to the youth- if it will encourage them to step out. I stand comfortably in my usual place- the second spot on the second pew in the section all the way to the right. I worship God.I am seeking and going after Him. I am simply doing it without taking that step out.

Psalms 27:8 ~ When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.”

Jeremiah 29:13 ~ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

I know these verses. I’ve heard them and many others like it my entire life. I know the concept. Be bold. Step out in faith. Step out of your comfort zone.

It’s not like I’m new here. I have gone to this church for some crazy amount of time like 27 years! This is where I got married. Some of these people have known me since I was my son’s age- 5 years old! They saw me grow up, they saw Otis and I date, they have been there for the births of our children. These people are family. And on top of all that, we now have the amazing privilege of serving as youth pastors. This house is my safe place. This is where I sought refuge while my parents divorced. On the very same stage that my husband now preaches from time to time, is where I recieved my kindergarten diploma, where I participated in school plays and sang specials, had missionette award ceremonies, where I was baptized, where I stood taking my purity vow in youth….I have slept on the same pews during youth lock ins when I was a teenager. Our kids were both dedicated here and our daughter has been baptized here. Some people call being in the same church my whole life boring. I call it a HUGE BLESSING AND HONOR. So, my reasoning cannot be that I feel out of place or anything like that.

I always picture it…me stepping out and once i’m committed and obviously stepping out…the song ends. Then there I am doing this weird little shuffle to scoot back to my seat. Or maybe it’s the very last song before annoucements..how awkward would that be! I mean, come on, I am already on the second pew. During those altar services when Pastor calls the entire church up front, there are people standing right next to where I am, because everyone can’t fit in the very front. My spot is ‘coming up front’ for some people.

I know that it is not about where I stand. God doesn’t need a better view of me or need me to be within hearing distance.

2 Samuel 24:24 ~ But the king replied to Araunah, “No, I insist on buying it, for I will not present burnt offerings to the LORD my God that have cost me nothing.” So David paid him fifty pieces of silver for the threshing floor and the oxen.

It’s about taking that step.

Standing in the second spot on the second pew in the section all the way to the right doesn’t really cost me anything.

During our last youth service, Otis was talking about seeing the youth worship. He compared the way they worship at camp or convention to the way they worship in a youth service to they way they worship in the main sanctuary. He talked about how there should not be any difference…no matter the crowd size or atmosphere or music style. He talked about God being worthy no matter what.

God is worthy of that step out. You never know what one person taking one step could spark.

So the next time I feel prompted to step out…..I am…..and I hope you do too.

Social Media is such a huge part of society today. The people that are not on facebook, twitter, or instagram are few and far between. This way of life can be used as such a great tool for ministry and way of keeping in touch. It can also be a terrible source of stress and sadness. It’s called the comparison game. Ever heard that saying that talks about not comparing your life with your friends on facebook, because it is like comparing your outtakes to their highlight reel? It can be so true.

Now please read these next few sentences and know that I am not trying to build myself up….but this is an important part to the point of this post. I am a wife, mother, homeschool teacher, full time employee, and youth pastors wife. I love the study of women being like spaghetti and men being like waffles. It fits myself and my husband perfectly. I am usually going 100 MPH in several different directions all the time. I work in the evenings until early morning. I come home and sleep for a bit….then it is school time and then nap time…..then chore time…..then dinner time…..then work time again. I do whatever I can to help my husband with ministry in any spare moment I have. Sometimes I absolutely hate my schedule. For the most part, I try not to complain. God lined this all up. I was moved to these hours only months before Otis was hired full time at our church. If I was working the day shift, then I would not be free on the weekends or during the day to help him.  Also when we came to the point of making a decision regarding our kids and school, if I was working during the day…I don’t know what we would’ve have done. I can see where it was all being lined up perfectly when I had no idea what was coming our way. I also have quite a love for pinterest. I love planning parties and coming up with all these cute decorations and table settings. I tend to go big with our kids birthday parties. They have to choose their theme- usually by thanksgiving so that I can start my research. Yep, I’m that mom. I don’t apologize for having big birthday parties. Otis and I are both December babies and ask anyone born in December and they will confirm that as a child they were usually robbed of the birthday experience because Christmas was so close. My family always had at least a cake for me. I can only remember one birthday party and can recall getting Christmas ornaments and decorations as my presents from aunts/uncles. Otis never had birthday parties. It was something that we decided long before we ever had kids, that we would always make birthdays a big deal.   I have been called ‘supermom’ and have friends and family say stuff to me all the time like ‘ I don’t know how you do it all’. I just usually laugh those comments off.

I try and have dinner ready when Otis gets home from the office- about 4:30. We have a small window of time to chat and have dinner together as a family. Then we have a few minutes to clean up and I have to leave for work around 6. Most days, Otis comes in the back door and I am standing in the kitchen finishing up whatever we are having that night.

Then there are the other days….. days that as soon as cracks open the door, I’m sure he sees a wave of relief across my face. When dinner is not ready. When my oily hair is thrown in a ponytail and I am probably still in my pajama pants. Those days when the kids are fighting and the house is a mess. Those days when I feel like a failure as a homeschool mom. Those days when the laundry is piled up- probably all over my couch to be folded and put away, Those days when the house is a mess and the dishes are piled in the sink. Those days when I feel like I have gotten nothing accomplished. Those days that if you showed up at my house unexpected, then I would meet you in the yard and chat there, because No way would you be coming in. Those days when my to do list is a mile long and I didn’t get to mark off a single item. Those days when it seems to be just about survival- just making it through the day.

Please don’t ever look at me and think that I have it all together- I don’t think that anyone really does. We all have our days. Don’t compare your outtakes to my highlight reel, because just like the paragraph above- I have lots of those days too. If you are posting things to social media to brag on yourself or to make others feel  belittled, then shame on you. We are called to build one another up. yes, I post about our kids and our youth, I post about my husband. I post about their accomplishments. Romans 13:7 talks about giving honor to whom honor is due. There is nothing wrong with that. Proverbs 27:2 also tell us to ‘let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth…’ So if someone is a blessing to you, let them know….send a card or text….don’t take that for granted. Encourage them for being that blessing. 

We like for people to see the ‘Sunday morning’ us- the version that is all put together and ready to face the world.  That’s fine to some extent. Believe me, I like to have everything together. We can’t use that to put others down. Time to examine our motives.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” 1 Thessalonions 5:11

There are enough things in society that can break you down and make you fell less than worthy…..make an extra effort to be real with people… offer a little transparency… and a lot of grace.

Christmas is my favorite holiday of all time. I love the music, decorations, parties, excitement, joy, and everything that is Christmas. My husband has forbidden me from getting the decorations out any earlier than the day after thanksgiving, or who knows when I would start!! We do several activities with our kids to be a constant reminder to them of the true meaning of the holiday, but I do love to buy them lots of presents too!  I have read those articles that say you should only give your child four gifts for Christmas- something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. Let’s be clear, I am not that mom. We are blessed. I remember as a kid hearing the stories (or threats) of kids getting coal for Christmas,  I was a typical kid that fought a lot with her brother, but I never once received coal for Christmas. The night before Christmas was the hardest night to fall asleep ever. There was so much anticipation and excitement. You knew good things were coming soon. You didn’t wonder IF it would happen…..you knew it was happening. That is how I have been feeling that past couple of weeks about Christ. We have had some absolutely amazing services not only in our youth group, but in our main service as well. I feel like a little kid – that excitement in the pit of my stomach. This is a new level. I think sometimes we may get caught up in comparing things to how they used to be. We can even get caught up in planning for the future- future growth…. future events. There is nothing wrong with being thankful for the blessings of the past and planning for the future, but God is with us in the present. He doesn’t want to just move in the past or future, He wants to have an impact on our lives today, We have had several guest speakers come into our church in the past few years and have spoken over our church, and our pastor, that we were on the verge of a breakthrough….that God was preparing us for the harvest and that we need to be ready. Maybe I am a little biased, but given that I have been involved in the youth ministry at our church for the past 12 years….I am so excited to see our youth as an active part, and dare I say catalyst for this breakthrough.  We have a youth worship event scheduled for this weekend. We are hosting the night of worship, but have opened it to all ages. People are hungry. I am sure that other churches are having the same type of services as us, because there is a world that is searching for hope and  the truth. We even had parents come all the way to our little Sunday night discipleship group this past week to speak over this event and our ministry. That is an awesome thing. The excitement and anticipation have been at an all time high all week. So, this is why I feel like a little kid on the night before Christmas. I don’t wonder if this event is going to be successful. I know that it is. I know that lives will be changed and that God has a plan. I have that ‘for such a time as this’ feeling in my gut. I am so excited for what God is doing and am even more excited in the anticipation of knowing that He has even more then we could ever imagine for us! What an honor to be alive at this point in time when there is such an outpouring happening!

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
 I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.  – Isaiah 43:19

In the last days,’ God says, ‘I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your young men will see visions, and your old men will dream dreams. – Acts 2:17

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. – Jeremiah 29:13